Who knew I would come to the day when I would love someone who did not trust me. He is supposed to call me ... sometime ... today. Who knows what the outcome will be. If he does decide to stay with me, things will change. We rushed into this way too fast. I will not permit him to tell me that he loves me, until he loves me more than he did when he truly meant it the last time that he said it with all conviction of his life. And perhaps this did all happen for a reason. The world telling us to slow down and take our time because that is all the world can offer to us. You cannot get to know someone in such a short amount of time. To expect that everything would have been okay was kind of selfish and not thought out by the two of us.

If he does lack the trust for me to hold his life in the palm of my hands, then I am sad for him. Sad because he has let Tiffany continue to win in his life. It has been a struggle in my life to understand that every one is not out to get me and to hurt me, but I found that with him. I will also be extremely sad if he cannot find that trust within me because I would hurt ten times greater if I hurt him ... as I do now with this entire situation. And if he still dumps me, it only says to me that it took so long because there were two things going on in his mind: the one that tells him to trust me and the one that does not. The one that tells him to trust me is a matter of self. The one that tells him to not trust me is a matter of cynicism for the world that will not be lost until he finds it in himself to lose it.

In this one particular matter, I cannot even grant him the knowledge of reasonable mistrust. There is nothing to mistrust from ME about that situation. From the second that we took it to another level, I found in my self why Randy was bad and why I will never see him again. He fucked me up for the long time, but that is because I did not trust that I am worth it. I AM worth it, and I never needed him to create that for me. When he texted me that night I was pleased for once in my life that I did not get all fucked up about it. In fact, when I realized it was him, my grasp to Matt became even stronger because I realized that Randy was the looter that damned me for being lost and worthless. Damned me, because I have not helped HIM find his way and worth. And damned me because I found my own way and worth WITHOUT him.

I am in the process of finishing Atlas Shrugged for the second time this year. However, my mind is grasping the actual concept of what Ayn Rand was trying to portray throughout the book. I am not a looter of my own life any longer. I love him more than my own life, but only because I know that I love my life. My goal is not to hurt him, and believe me, I hurt ten times greater when he hurts. But to grow and learn and love with him. I hope he will grant me that luxury, for it would be a wonderful one to experience.

I figured out that he is my John Galt. He has shown me that my life is valuable because I say it is so without a question of what others think of me and still knowing that he holds it in the same place. He is my John Galt in any way achievable.

He still thinks I have some inclination to fucking go see Randy. How many more ways can I say that I will NEVER see him again. EVER. Can someone please come up with something so I can get it through his head? I hate Randy ... he has ruined my self esteem and life. There are two people I hate in this world, my old boss and him. I am done.

Fucking done.

I wish I was worth some shred of dignity to him. I am not worth it ... and failed myself in this to lose the best thing that will ever happen to me.

Things look even more south once again. The bile in my throat keeps getting worse and the sudden bruises are definitely not decreasing.

He thinks that I threatened to go see Randy when all of this went down. I have no idea what I said on the message ... because I was barely coherent (actually I am 110% surprised I even made it to work in one piece that night). I knew for so many years that once I found the right man I would drop him without a second thought. When I found Matt, I turned down that road and never looked back. In fact, if Matt decides to hate me for the rest of my life I will NEVER go back to Randy. I have not had the thought or conviction to even dig up his numbers from past cell phone statements. The sucky thing about Randy is that he came into my life at the wrong time and only stayed there because he is even more insecure than I am. No respectable man would continue a 'fling' for 6 years because he has no better prospects. Literally the only reason I kept going back is because he gave me the false pretense of being wanted. But I never knew what it was to be wanted until I met Matt.

The situation between Matt and I got blown too out of proportion. The only reason I mentioned Randy that night is because I wanted him to understand how much I was hurt. All I intended to say was: "If I said that same thing about Randy that you said about Kristen, you would be just as hurt." I can't even remember the last time I saw Randy and I do not want to remember it. It will not be a falsely significant time in my life anymore. Matt gave me the real thing and that is all I can see. That is all that is significant.

I seem to be turning to this thing a lot lately, which is probably a good thing so I am not fully talking to myself. I still have not heard from Matt. I think the air needs to be cleared and the first thing I need to ask him is if he is waiting for the opportunity to break up with me. If not, am I asking too much for him to at least say hi once a day? If I were significant to him at all you would think he would at least do that. Really, am I asking too much? I mean he works with computers ... how long does it take to send me a message? I have gone back to not doing well. I wish he would talk to me ...

I am extremely worried about Ryan. He failed one class last semester and instead of helping him my parents start yelling at him. I pulled him aside later to let him know that I am willing to help him any time he needs help and he has come to me for it. I encourage him ... not yell and resolve nothing. Another issue: he is a little too focused on girls and is not taking them the right way when something goes awry. He started cutting his arm because of this one girl for whatever reason. It happened two nights ago and my parents JUST noticed it tonight. My mom says to him: "You can't cut yourself.", and my dad says "You better stop it right now young man." Um, as far as I am concerned nothing will be accomplished by that. I thank god every day that I was strong enough to raise myself because this is exactly what I got when I was younger. Instead of trying anything else my mom changed my school sophomore year because she did not like the crowd I was hanging out with. That was not a solution, just a band aid. I guess my days of playing mom to him will never be over.

I am afraid ... that he will have time for me only when he wants to have time for me. And when I move there, I really will be all alone.

I went out with Sarah tonight and I wish that it was sooner. Her advice always seems to knock me down to earth and I am not sure why I had not gone to her before on the situation about Matt. Up until yesterday, every one else had said that my feelings of jealousy were 110% justified on the matter of his ex Kristen. The truth of it all: It really did hurt in the beginning ... because it is something you want to hear but at the same time hope to never hear. If I had it my way I would be the only one he had ever loved and that I was the only one he wanted to marry. It got too out of hand. Sadly because I only ended up hurt that he felt my feelings were not justified on the entire situation and I wanted him to feel as if they were.

In the discussion with Sarah last night she told me right off the bat that his words had not been on malice and that he was truly just trying to be my best friend and open up. In the back of my head I had known all of this but I seem to be awfully stupid when it comes to my pride. That is something that I need to drop and drop quickly, because for once, the man I love has nothing but my interest at heart. I never thought that I would be able to so thoroughly and easily trust another living soul in my entire life and I do it so easily with him. My only problem and the only problem I have ever had at the end of the day is trusting in myself. I keep saying that I do not have an answer as to why I do not know how to just let go and trust, but I do. I am just utterly afraid to trust and do not want to let go.

I need to remember, in times of great frustration, that I want him to be my best friend and that I want him to know my thoughts. I need to let go of the mistrust for myself and just let him in, let him ALL THE WAY IN. He is my boyfriend and I want him to be my husband. It is sad that I fear being vulnerable that one individual knows so much about me that he would be able to break me if he so chooses. Perhaps I just need to let him know those fears.

I do not like being called stupid. There is something about not being intelligent that scares me. I have not been called stupid many times in my life but it hurt a lot when I was.

I hate and love that he can pinpoint some of my behaviors ... Like talking on the phone for instance. When I am overly chatty and when I realize it or it is pointed out I shut up. There are times when I let go and just open up to him but then I shut down once realizing it. I have this ungodly fear that he does not want to hear about how my day went when I know he does ... even the times he is too busy to ask about it.

I need to work on being more decisive to please myself rather than being agreeable to please others. I have been that way my entire life because my mom is overly selfish. Even if I have not wanted to do things ... I give in to make her happy. That is where the situation stems from but I need to stop. I have gotten better about telling her how things are and now that she seems defensive about some of my opinion it is her own fault. My opinions are just that ... and if I want to go to a certain restaurant then I just need to speak up about it.

I need to learn to love my body the way it is. The last time I was in Rochester I hid behind a towel any time I was naked in order not to subject Matt to its fattness. That own fear is my own ... I have the capability of being thinner ... and I know how to do it I just do not. The only individual I can blame for that unhappiness is myself. I am more than capable of the will power to not eat this or that ... I just simply do not do it. The day I choose to stop so that "I" can be healthy will be a good day.

I have in all honesty avoided all things political because I got jealous of his Facebook clan. I am not even sure how that one started, actually I do ... I realized one day that he posted on Facebook before he called me, and then another, and then another. Perhaps his only intent with that is so that he could focus on me rather than me and something else. I should be grateful, not jealous.

I fear that he will leave me only because I fear that I am not good enough for him. If he wanted to leave me he would have done so by now. The thing I respect about Matt the most is that he is extremely true to his feelings. He would not have wasted so much time on my part or his if he did not feel the same.

I fear that his children will not hold a strong bond with me to the point where they consider me family. I know their mother will always be in their life in some sort of form or another. When I met them, Nicole said that I sounded like a mom. This made me smile because I hope to be theirs one day. And now that I look at it perhaps I am afraid for nothing because she was comparing the good qualities that her mother has to me.

I fear that I am too materialistic for him. I do like to buy things. But I like to buy them because it is something I earned and worked for and have not had handed to me. I grew up where I had to pay for almost everything I have today. Granted I am not paying rent ... my parents make me and have made me pay for every thing else. All three of my brothers got a new bedroom set and when I turned 21 I finally just broke down and bought my own because my mom always claimed that she did not have the money for mine. I am paying up the ass now because my parents never put me on their car insurance. I bought my own car when my brother's were handed theirs. So I live within my means and buy the things I can and want because I feel as if I have earned them as a sense of the pride that my parents have never bestowed upon me.

I am afraid that he thinks I do not understand what it is to be a mother. Yes, I do not understand what it is not like when you cannot give the child back at the end of the night ... but in all other aspects, I raised my little brother. I literally spent my entire summer with him because my mom assumed I was a built in babysitter. Now that I have moved back in ... it is assumed that I am picking him up from school and a nuisance when I cannot because I have to work. There are some aspects I do not understand ... but there are also a lot that I get. I did not ask for my brother, but I am asking to be a significant part of their life.

I am afraid that Todd will say that I am a bitch like Matt calls Denise. I wants his friends to think the best of me so that they think I am the best for him.

I am afraid that he feels as if he cannot tell me anything because of the way I react. I am still afraid that every one is out to get me. I need to start telling myself on a daily basis that no one is out to get me and that I just need to relax. He loves me. He loves me!